A Mouse's best firend

If I could walk around with my computer strapped to my hip I probably would. I have a love hate relationship with this hunk of junk. It loves to hate me, and I hate to love it. It even has a name... Wanda. I know people name their cars and boats in hopes that they will bring them home safely. What’s my excuse?

I think I named mine solely for the purpose of having something to yell when it crashes. And believe you me, I can yell. I’m sure my neighbors sit around once a week and say something like, “Oh yes Bob, that girl’s computer just crashed again. Does her mother know she uses that kind of language? How shameful.”

So I spent the better part of this morning and yesterday morning trying to fix a friends computer. That’s always much more frustrating that dealing with my own for a few reasons: 1) People don’t know how to file things. It’s a wonder they can find their underwear in the morning without a map. 2) They sit there looking over your shoulder and asking highly technical questions. Now, attempting to learn new things is great, but that isn’t the best time for you to have your first lesson. 3) They are freaking out to the point that even their pets are hiding under tables. There’s nothing worse than working on someone’s computer and every little *ding* they hear gives them a stroke. 4) They always want to help. You sit there and watch them move their mouse at an excruciatingly slow pace, and it's all you can do not to shove them aside and confiscate it.

I’m sure they ask me for help because I’m really too much of a geek. I mean for the most part, these evil contraptions fascinate me. You’re probably sitting there thinking that you too are a geek. Well, unless you have random computer parts sitting on your kitchen table, you’re not a geek.

You’re not a real geek until you poke around in your open computer tower. Or instead of a normal collection like stamps or those state quarters, you collect MP3s. Ask yourself if you can tell me what a Sims character sounds like, or what it is like to get your ass kicked in some damn online game. Do you window shop at CompUSA only to salivate over a computer that could run a third world country?

I’m thinking one day I might become Queen of the Geek People. This would make my mother so proud of me I’m sure. All my little followers would know what an I-D-10-T error was. It would be apart of the Geek Manifesto. They also would count among their best friends, folks they’ve never met. We would probably never leave our homes. We would become a civilization of hermits that have tendinitis in their wrists from typing, and 20/300 vision from staring at a monitor all day.

The reality is that it’s an amazing world that you can get sucked into when you hop online. I bet you had no idea that you could meet such wonderful people, chat, read such entertaining fiction, learn so much about others and subjects you never thought you’d be interested in, and learn that it really isn’t the superficial that counts in the people you want in your life. Also, I bet you never thought you’d be able to say that yes, you too have met the Queen of the Geek People.

“To err is human, but to really foul things up requires a computer.” -- Farmers' Almanac

So I’m drunk.....

So I’m drunk. It’s been a long time since I’ve bothered to get drunk. That’s possibly because I’m on vacation, or maybe because it’s been a while since I’ve been around friends. Either way I’m drunk. So a first time drunken post… this should be frightening to all that happen by this blog. (after reading this over I realize I’m too old to be drunk).

Isn’t it interesting that sometimes being in this state can bring about truths? Some of them I was reluctant to say, or other people heard some they were unwilling to face before, and some of the truths I myself had been unwilling to face. But it’s there… truth. So, I’ll blog about it in hopes that I remember that which I have failed to face. I cannot speak of their truth… that’s for them to find. But I can of mine… in hopes that I will remember it all and maybe make steps to improve.

I’m basically the friend that everyone looks to for comic relief. (something that has really been hammered home time and time again) For whatever reason I’m not the one that people drop their problems on until they have no other option. Sadly, I’ve been watching them for so long that I know them better than they think, so maybe I could be good with the issues they wanna talk about.

That’s my fault. I have depth… I just hide it. Once people find a way into the deep parts of you, they now have a way to hurt you. It’s so much easier to be the one that cheers others up even when your own world is lacking. I’m the quintessential party favor… You should have me over… I come with a lifetime guarantee to always be amusing and never cause a dyke drama.

The problem is it can be lonely to be in this role. So lonely in fact that you just make sure you stay there so that no one else can get under your skin. Real healthy I know…. oy.

People will say that it’s a gift to make people laugh… blah blah blah… But really it’s a way to hide. I was always great at hide and seek. It’s time I stopped and started worrying about me. It’s time I allowed myself not to hide to that extent. Maybe then a drunken night with friends wouldn’t leave me contemplating more things about my life that need to change… ugh change…

Really I had fun tonight… I just wish I talked to people like this more. Sometimes I think that it would be great if at least once a week I could have these deep life changing discussions when people would remember them.

I’m off to bed now… ready to regret the fact that I actually sent this sucker. Tonight was a good night. Not something I normally do… but sometimes it’s nice to step outside your normal box.

Well I get to go on vacation in a week.

I’m not sure I remember the last vacation I took. It had to have been one I took 2-3 years ago. We went to Florida where I learned several rather important things: 1) Florida bugs are so large they should be forced to pay taxes. I’ve seen helicopters smaller than those things. 2.) If you don’t like a person that you spend very little time with, you’ll more than likely find yourself homicidal after being forced to stay in a hotel room with them. 3.) An amusement parks in Florida during the summer are very similar to a modern day form of torture. By the time you’re done, you’re ready to kick the next large furry creature in the head that tries to get between you and anything air-conditioned.

I had a good time during that vacation. I have to admit that I almost always have a good time on a vacation. I don’t care if I have to force people to have fun at gunpoint, we’ll have some fun. I don’t know how I couldn’t enjoy myself just because I get to be away from home for a while. I think that’s for two reasons. I’ve never quite grown up, and being away always gives me a sense of freedom, and being away from home gives me a reason to forget about problems that might be waiting for me. They go straight to the backburner.

Anyway, I’ll be heading to Reno with a few lunatics I’ve met online. I’m quite sure that their all the harmless kind of insane, but if you don’t hear from me for a month or so I’m either wandering the desert lost, or I won a million in blackjack. Have you ever met someone you know online? It’s a strange experience. You know them... hell you talk to them all the time. Yet you’re faced with a stranger. The beauty is that you’ve already decided what you think about them by who they are. How freeing to not have to worry about superficial crap.

So I’m glad to be going on a trip soon. It’s been way too long since I just had some worry free fun.

“VACATION: Two weeks on the sunny sands - and the rest of the year on the financial rocks.” -- Sam Ewing

Idiocy on parade...

You can have all the education in the world and still be completely stupid. If you doubt me, I have proof. Last night I was driving to PetsMart trying to buy a bowl that weighed more than a house. Why? Because I’m really tired of the puppy picking up her bowl and moving it over to wherever I am to eat. It wouldn’t be so bad if she didn’t leave a trail behind her. My theory is she just wants to remember where to put it back. For the most part she’s self cleaning, and goes back to pick up the trail. Sadly, she doesn’t do a very good job of it so I end up stepping on them late at night while trying to get some water.... but I digress.

Anyway while driving, I passed a brand new Mercedes SUV. The license place said, “ER DOC”. Inside with the light on was a lovely woman.... a lovely busy one. She had the nerve to be driving while reading a medical chart, and talking on her cell phone. How dumb can you be? It’s not like she doesn’t see enough accidents in her ER to know better....

That’s not to say I’m immune from stupidity... far from it. This morning I was talking to my mother... which can be a chore at times in and of itself... and actually found myself offering to cook the Thanksgiving turkey. I tried this last year.... you’d think I’d learn. Last year my brother and I had the grand idea to cook the turkey on the grill. Anyone who knows me knows that an open flame and I are a dangerous combination. There was only a small fire that time... thank god. And at least half the turkey was edible, if you didn’t mind the crunch. But here I was once again offering to burn the house down and mutilate a poor turkey.

None of us are immune from stupidity... I just try to keep it behind close doors and not in a moving vehicle. I’ll just keep it between me, my family, my friends, and the city’s fire department.

“The difference between genius and stupidity is that genius has its limits” -- Albert Einstein

What's up doc...

I think I just hate doctors. There’s nothing about the experience that I enjoy. I liked it more when I was a kid and they’d hand you a candy at the end of the visit. Personally, I wish they still continued this practice. I’d do a lot of things for candy. Hell who wouldn’t. Do you remember when you’d eat candy and you wouldn’t feel one iota of guilt? When did the guilt happen? Being an adult really just means that you recognize guilt when you’re feeling it.

I think there should be one day during the week where you’re allowed to feel no guilt about such little things. Maybe a Wednesday. I mean it’s smack dab in the middle of the week and by the time we hit hump day, we really could use a vat of ice cream and a bottle of our favorite alcohol. Going into the grocery aisle and nabbing alla the chocolate we want should be celebrated on this day. Saying phrases like, “That will just head straight to my thighs” should be reserved for those baby carrot sticks and yogurt. It would be a beautiful day where Ben n’ Jerry’s reigned supreme.

What happened to doing things because we enjoyed them? I don’t mean everyday, but what’s wrong with a treat now and then? Why do I feel guilty anytime I feel like making myself feel special? For me... my guilty pleasure is the movies. I love ‘em. I can’t get enough of them. And just as a random fact, I don’t like popcorn. I know... I’m weird. Anyway – I end up wanting to go to one at least once a week. But each time I go I tend to feel a bit guilty. I mean, that’s ten dollars that could have been better spent. Well not really ten. I tend to go to the dollar movies allot. The point is that I seem to find a way to feel guilty about something I enjoy. That’s silly. Everyone needs something... some escape.

So, today’s Wednesday people. It’s guilty day. Go find something that you enjoy... ice cream, pop tarts, chocolate, cheese, movies... whatever. I myself am going to a movie and while there I might just get some gummy candy... and I’m not going to feel so much as a twinge of guilt!

“Guilt is a rope that wears thin.” -- Ayn Rand

Along came a spider....

Towards the end of the summer and early fall here, the tarantulas are in season... everywhere. I spend about 2 months on high alert just waiting for one of those bastards to try to get in my place. I have this vision of them all huddled together creating a battle plan to breech my defense parameter. I’m convinced they enjoy this little game of scare the human. When I see them, my fear trumps any desire I might have to look sane.

I don’t just scream like a chick from a B horror movie.... No, I can actually be heard in the next time zone. Then I suddenly hop onto the nearest thing. Most often that’s a couch or table, but I’ve been known to jump on some poor fool standing next to me. There’s a lot of arm waving and pointing. It really is rather unattractive. All this happens while it stares at me, mocking me. Don’t let it fool you though; it’s just waiting for its opportunity to pounce.

Then the problem comes in. How do you take care of it while staying at least 30 feet from it? I mean these damn things are so big that if I threw my shoe at it, it would probably throw it right back. I’d think about a brick, but with my aim I’d end up putting holes in the walls. So I toss bowls. Now I know you think I’m insane... but they work. The key is getting to the kitchen without putting even my big toe on the ground. This can be tricky and it requires some skill. I suggest you practice before the invaders are attacking. If all else fails, just skirt alongside the wall and then sprint into the kitchen.

Eventually you can cover the thing with a lucky bowl shot. Then you have to put a book over it to hold it down. That’s really important. I found out the hard way. One instance of a moving bowl or an escapee, was enough to teach me that lesson. Then I call someone in to remove it. I don’t care if they kill it really.... I just don’t wanna get close enough to do it myself. Yes that makes me a horrible non-friend to spider kind, but I can’t help it. I’ve tried to reason with them, but they never listen. If the poor fool I call wants to shoo that creature out, then by all means... but just don’t let it escape behind a bookcase. Last time that happened I didn’t sleep for a week

So about a week ago, my puppy thought she’d bring me a huge tarantula (about the size of my whole freaking hand) as a present. I was touched... how sweet. Then I squirted her with the hose till she dropped the thing. What, you think I’d let her near me like that? God no. Poor thing was a tad confused... She ate the hose 3 days later so I think we’re even.

"I discovered I scream the same way whether I'm about to be devoured by a great white or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot." -- Kevin James

Sanity...

Have you ever been driving around talking to yourself in the car? I do this. Don’t try to hide it, because I know you do it too. We all do. Often times I’m running over a conversation I just had. I’m always about ten times cleverer when in conversations with myself. I can even think of the one thing I wanted to say but it wouldn’t come. Finally I can think of exactly what I would say to the woman that scooted in front of me for the last parking spot, or the guy who cut in line at the grocery store while commenting on my current weight and parentage. In the car alone, I’m a genius. I can solve any problem, and I’m always right.

So today I was chattering to myself about what I had to do for the day. It was a laundry list of things that I’d probably never get around to. I could’ve been doing a few of them, but by making the list I was allowing myself to procrastinate on actually doing what was on it. It’s a clever trick that all of us procrastinators know. At the stop light I looked over and stopped in mid sentence. Someone was watching me from another car and looking at me as if I’d gone insane. I went insane long ago so that look wasn’t exactly foreign to me, but I fell silent regardless. Then in order to not appear like I was a half a step away from the padded room, I started acting as if I was singing to the radio. That’s more sane right? That should fool them. They didn’t know that I was talking and not singing. How could they know the radio wasn’t even on? Yes, that could be a good plan. So I started bobbing my head and tapping my fingers on the steering wheel. For a little bit of added realism I made sure to have no rhythm whatsoever. Not exactly something I had to work at in the least.

I’d done it! I managed to fend off being embarrassed in front of a total stranger I’d never see again. It shouldn’t matter, but embarrassment doesn’t always care if you’ll ever see the person again. I was almost smug that I’d hidden my quirks from the eyes of the general public. That’s when something started nagging at me. As the stranger drove away I realized just what it was.... my windows were down and so was hers. So not only did this person know I was talking to myself, but she knew of my pathetic attempt to cover it up and *fake* sing. Now she thought I talked to myself, sung silently to songs that aren’t there, and had horrible rhythm to boot. Great! Now I was embarrassed. I tried to fight off the impending embarrassment and really only made sure that I’d end up being it anyway. Embarrassment can’t be fought... it’s far too sneaky.

So as I was mentally kicking myself for both my blunder and allowing myself to care what this person thought, I heard her while she drove away. She was laughing and talking to herself about me and my blundering. Ha! I felt better. Did I care that she was laughing at me or telling herself that I was a lunatic? Not one bit. Why you ask? Well because she too was talking to herself. Like I said, we all do it. Sadly I think we all will get embarrassed over something that someone else is sure to do. With that in mind I went back to my procrastination checklist, not bothering to roll up the window or care who heard me.

“The statistics on sanity are that one out of every 4 Americans are suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they're okay, then it's you.” -- Rita Mae Brown