I saw Angelina Jolie at the grocery store.

I did, really. I was attempting to find a ripe cantaloupe, which as you all know is virtually impossible to detect. But that doesn’t stop me from thumping and smelling alla them. I heard someplace that you could roll it down the frozen food aisle and if it rolls to the left then it’s ripe. Don’t worry I didn’t test the theory. I tried it with a watermelon once and ended up downing a display of bran cereal. The box boy looked at me like I was evil incarnate. Of course at the time I wasn’t intending to roll it down the aisle but my hands were slippery and those suckers are sometimes heavier than they look.

Anyway, back to Angelina.... There she was moving into another aisle. So what did I do? I can’t believe you can even think to ask such a question. I followed her of course. Any lesbian worth a salt would follow either Angelina or Emma Thompson. It’s an unwritten rule; it’s in the lesbian manifesto for crying out loud. So I threw down the cantaloupe... I’d have to go back to my fruit fondling another time... and took off after her.

As I was arguing with my cart to get it to cooperate, I had to wonder what I would do when I finally caught up to her. I couldn’t just tackle her could I? Well I probably could but my friends get cranky when they have to bail me outta jail. Here’s where you start to wonder if someone is better than you in some way just because they are famous or have more money. Why was I stalking her through the grocery store? Sure she’s attractive, but that’s always meant very little to me. Suddenly I decided that I needed to be more cool about the whole thing.

-Step 1 of faking coolness: Stop trying a cool walk. If you don’t already have one, you certainly aren’t going to develop one the instant you need it. You end up looking like a wounded geriatric goblin.

-Step 2 of faking coolness: Try to make sure you voice doesn’t go supersonic. You can’t look cool when the only thing coming out of your mouth sounds like a strangled bird. This leads into what you should say. Remember simple is better. Don’t begin expounding on crap you don’t know. With your luck the person you’re trying to impress is the world’s foremost expert on the subject. Go for the easy things like, “hello”.

-Step 3 of faking coolness: Body language is important. If you shake their hand, remember to return it. Try not to do things like fan yourself with your hand while you’re breaking rule two. Give them some space. You don’t want to forever be remembered as the nutjob that speaks with their head inches from another’s.

-Step 4 of faking coolness: This is the most important thing.... do NOT act like I did.

So with alla my coolness in mind I rounded the corner.... and smashed dead on into her cart. Of course the sudden stop sent me careening across the aisle where I got very close and personal with a can of peas. So I tried to scramble up to my feet, but it’s difficult to do that while catching falling canned foods. That and there was the added problem that my coordination had gone south for the winter.

I then look up ready to say hello to Angelina and add one more thing to my super geeky autograph collection. There was only one problem. This wasn’t Angelina!! In fact the woman didn’t even look like her. In fact the person wasn’t even a woman! What the hell is wrong with my brain? How the hell do you salvage your dignity... you can’t say, “Oh sorry sir, I thought you were a rather overly skinny though beautiful woman...” Nope that wouldn’t work. So I said the first thing that came to mind... “Oh sorry sir, I just really needed those veggies for a stew...” And then I got the hell outta there.

So really I guess you can never see some things coming. You can try to look cool, or worry what others are going to say. But I’m starting to realize that worrying about it just takes too much of my energy... especially considering that even if I worry, I still cannot control most things. That and I learned that Angelina Jolie is actually a man... with a fondness for prunes and creamed corn.

“Experience is the name everyone gives to their mistakes.” -- Oscar Wilde