Monday, July 13, 2009

Home Alone

So I'm at home all by myself this last weekend. In general I like having some quiet time to myself, but after a few days I realize it's exceptionally boring. I'm so used to hearing the tippity tap taping and the muttering that comes from somewhere to my left. Sure, the first night I blasted music she hates, took up the entire bed, and made sure to cook something she would have found repulsive. But it's not nearly as fun to do those things when I can't hear her grumbling about it.

So now I'm just waiting for her to come home and do all the things that annoy me. You really can't avoid being annoyed with someone when you live with them and so much of your life is wrapped around theirs.

For instance, she downs her food in record time and then stares at you while you eat like some kind of psychopath. It's creepy, and you're constantly wondering if something's on your face or in your teeth. She turns the channel to ESPN or something else exceptionally horrible or repetitive, and then leaves it there for hours. When we go to bed, she has to chat for at least 15 minutes. She's seen me all day and yet needs to have a chit-chat just as I'm about to nod off. I'm constantly being asked to go on a walk, which wouldn't be bad, except she has no concept of distance. She will walk you until your feet fall off and you're praying for death. And yet, I'm here, and I miss being annoyed.

"Tis sweet to know there is an eye will mark our coming, and look brighter when we come." -- Lord Byron

Tuesday, June 16, 2009

You Win Some...

Dear Contractor,

My loathing towards you knows no bounds. 2 days means 2 periods of 24 hours. It does not mean well over a week with no end in sight. A tranquilized lemur could have finished my kitchen remodel in this amount of time. When you arrive to work at 9 AM, you should work until a reasonable time. Leaving at 2 PM every day is not a reasonable time, especially after taking an hour and a half lunch. Saying, "I'm going to Home Depot for X" only to disappear for the rest of the day makes me want to take that exceptionally loud drill you have and encourage it to become acquainted with your truck.

Unfortunately, I know that your truck is currently in the shop. How do I know this, along with way to many details of your personal life? Oh that's right, you're always on your cell phone talking about them. Here's a tip for future reference: When you're dragging your feet on a job, try not to complain loudly on your cell phone that the auto shop is taking their sweet time with your truck after telling you that it will only take 2 days. How you cannot see the parallel boggles my mind. Saying, "It's been a week, that's costing me money" is idiotic considering *you* have forced me to eat out all freaking week.

It also helps if you don't have to hang the cabinets 6 times because you keep booching the same thing over and over. Yes, holes need to be made in the back splash for the outlets. So why oh why when you actually do remember to do it, do you put them in the wrong place? Why do I have to tell you that the drawers wont open? Doesn't it occur to you to check? Who the hell doesn't pull out the drawer immediately after putting it in? I know that's the very first thing I did when building my dressers from Ikea. And why, for the love of god are the doors on the cabinet under the sink at different heights and not flush? Perhaps that has something to do with their inability to close? Please, tell me you're blind or had some of the vast amounts of dust you've been creating in your eye. Because that's the only option other than being a totally incompetent boob.

A very HUNGRY person


While the above should have ruined my weekend, it didn't. I had a fantastic weekend. I took Saturday off in trade for a very late Sunday night. This means it seemed like I had Friday - Monday off apart from working over night on Sunday. It's a rare treat that Dina and I have so much time off at the same time.

Saturday was pride here in Boston. So we were able to see Kathy Griffin live. I can't believe how fun that was. I laughed for 2 hours straight and still smile just thinking about it.

Sunday we were able to catch Up in 3D. What a wonderful movie that is. I was particularly impressed that they didn't use any of the cheap 3D tricks like throwing things at you, yet made the 3d really effective. I also found myself a little teary eyed at the movie. Poor Dina was sniffling after the movie ended which always breaks my heart. Dina, unlike me, looks almost cute when crying because she gets these big teary eyes like a 4 year old. I, on the other hand, end up looking like a red faced snot factory. It's really unflattering to see my face contorted and the sniveling.

So while my kitchen is a total disaster and giant headache, the weekend made it seem unimportant. So now while I listen to a screeching saw, I just let my mind drift back to the weekend fun. It's the only thing keeping me out of jail and away from assault charges.

"Um miss, can I borrow something to measure this counter I just cut? I think it's too short." -- My Contractor

Tuesday, June 2, 2009

It's In The Mail

Packing things to send away is always strange and slightly idiotic. The whole mess is only made worse when Dina joins me. We both have a tendency to go a bit overboard. Thankfully we use flat rate boxes and then just stuff the crap out of them.

For some reason, we are compelled to send things that I doubt anyone actually wants. Once I crossed the state line into Mass, I found myself suddenly sending people maple syrup. It didn't matter to me that they probably had no need, it was just something I couldn't stop myself from doing. Something happens to your brain when you live here, where you suddenly think maple is a crusade. You must promote maple, sing its praises, adore maple, worship at it's sappy bucket, and scorn any product with fake maple flavor. The cult of maple is all powerful. There's no resisting it, so you might as well not try. If I try, I fear I may find a sugar maple tree limb in my bed in the morning, or be attacked by the sap bucket in a dark alley.

Even if I can resist the temptation to send syrup, I get suckered into sending baked goods by Dina. She loves to bake, but what the hell do you do with 6 dozen cookies? I know! Pawn them off on anyone silly enough to give you their address. So there we were tonight baking away until 2am. It wouldn't be so bad if we hadn't decided to experiment. Just a note, peanut butter cookies using fresh chocolate peanut butter are not as spiffy as they sound. It was sad really.

I'm glad to say we finished all our boxes. At least this time there was no fire. (Dina doesn't let me play with that anymore). There was an unfortunate incident with a hot baking sheet and my hand. On the plus side, I can now rob a bank because I have no finger prints on one hand.

I'm just happy I remembered to slip some Spider-man stickers in with the birthday/mother's day/father's day box I sent to Arizona. Something tells me that compared to all of the things I sent to the adults, the 99 cent Spider-man stickers for my nephew will be the hit.

Here's hoping we all stumble across something small that makes us smile. We all need Spider-man stickers from time to time.

"Or don't you like to write letters. I do because it's such a swell way to keep from working and yet feel you've done something." -- Ernest Hemingway

Tuesday, May 19, 2009


On a whim I decided I needed to create a new profile image. Thankfully I found the penguin image to refer to, so that was a snap to get done. I thought for sure the penguin would be the difficult part. But no, it was the damn cactus that drove me nuts. I couldn't decide how to shade it, and then once I did I still didn't like it. I finally gave up because I just didn't want to look at it anymore. So there you have it, one penguin near an oddly shaded frozen cactus. See, even when not living in Arizona, the cactus are still the bane of my existence.

My apartment either has heat on, or AC. So after the horrible heat wave, the residents asked that the AC get kicked on. I was thrilled when they scheduled the switch for today, I hate being hot. Of course the very day that it gets turned on, the temperature outside plummets. As I type this, there is sure to be an icicle dangling from my nose. I'd check, but I lost feeling to my extremities a little while ago. So, I figured a new, yet cold, image was called for.

"Don't knock the weather. If it didn't change once in a while, nine out of ten people couldn't start a conversation." -- Frank McKinney Hubbard

Tuesday, May 12, 2009


So I've recently been reminded of something some total idiot wrote at some point. This person clearly had no concept of the scale of their idiocy. It's just a shame that I had to be that idiot.

So when this glass shatters
and the tint falls away
I'll stand with shaking heart
with irrational hope
that answers will come
this fear is unwarranted
this courtship of friendship
can survive
a shattered illusion

"It is easier to forgive an enemy than to forgive a friend." -- William Blake

Wednesday, May 6, 2009

4 years

What is the 4 year anniversary? (Ok it's not really 4 years, but we've known each other for 4 years). This is the question I asked Dina and the answer was, "I believe it's jpeg". The woman can sniff out digital camera gadgetry from 6 blocks away. No matter what store we're in we will have to go and look at them. She calls it "nerding". It really doesn't matter to me because we always walk out of there without buying anything.

So, imagine my surprise when I found out the 4th year is supposed to be fruit or flowers. If I came home with either of those she'd look at me as if I'd just sprouted a tulip for a head. But, I then found a site that had modern anniversary gifts. Apparently it's the appliance anniversary. She'd agree that a new vacuum would be far more romantic. She's a loon.

It's all moot, we're not actually married. However 4 years is still a long time, and we need a new vacuum.

"There is nothing like staying at home for real comfort." -- Jane Austen

Saturday, April 18, 2009

Just Jammin'

This really is quite incredible and I've been jamming to it all afternoon. I'm thinking I'll be needing to pick up the album.

Playing For Change | Song Around The World "Stand By Me" from Concord Music Group

"No I won't be afraid, no I won't be afraid. Just as long as you stand, stand by me" -- Ben E. King