Sanity...

Have you ever been driving around talking to yourself in the car? I do this. Don’t try to hide it, because I know you do it too. We all do. Often times I’m running over a conversation I just had. I’m always about ten times cleverer when in conversations with myself. I can even think of the one thing I wanted to say but it wouldn’t come. Finally I can think of exactly what I would say to the woman that scooted in front of me for the last parking spot, or the guy who cut in line at the grocery store while commenting on my current weight and parentage. In the car alone, I’m a genius. I can solve any problem, and I’m always right.

So today I was chattering to myself about what I had to do for the day. It was a laundry list of things that I’d probably never get around to. I could’ve been doing a few of them, but by making the list I was allowing myself to procrastinate on actually doing what was on it. It’s a clever trick that all of us procrastinators know. At the stop light I looked over and stopped in mid sentence. Someone was watching me from another car and looking at me as if I’d gone insane. I went insane long ago so that look wasn’t exactly foreign to me, but I fell silent regardless. Then in order to not appear like I was a half a step away from the padded room, I started acting as if I was singing to the radio. That’s more sane right? That should fool them. They didn’t know that I was talking and not singing. How could they know the radio wasn’t even on? Yes, that could be a good plan. So I started bobbing my head and tapping my fingers on the steering wheel. For a little bit of added realism I made sure to have no rhythm whatsoever. Not exactly something I had to work at in the least.

I’d done it! I managed to fend off being embarrassed in front of a total stranger I’d never see again. It shouldn’t matter, but embarrassment doesn’t always care if you’ll ever see the person again. I was almost smug that I’d hidden my quirks from the eyes of the general public. That’s when something started nagging at me. As the stranger drove away I realized just what it was.... my windows were down and so was hers. So not only did this person know I was talking to myself, but she knew of my pathetic attempt to cover it up and *fake* sing. Now she thought I talked to myself, sung silently to songs that aren’t there, and had horrible rhythm to boot. Great! Now I was embarrassed. I tried to fight off the impending embarrassment and really only made sure that I’d end up being it anyway. Embarrassment can’t be fought... it’s far too sneaky.

So as I was mentally kicking myself for both my blunder and allowing myself to care what this person thought, I heard her while she drove away. She was laughing and talking to herself about me and my blundering. Ha! I felt better. Did I care that she was laughing at me or telling herself that I was a lunatic? Not one bit. Why you ask? Well because she too was talking to herself. Like I said, we all do it. Sadly I think we all will get embarrassed over something that someone else is sure to do. With that in mind I went back to my procrastination checklist, not bothering to roll up the window or care who heard me.

“The statistics on sanity are that one out of every 4 Americans are suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they're okay, then it's you.” -- Rita Mae Brown