Puppy of Doom

Oy, today has just turned out to be one of those days. The kind of day where you’re sure someone out there hates you and has been plotting against you. Now, you may think I’m exaggerating or being a wimp, but I bet by the time I’m done telling this story you all will want to come over and give me a cookie or something. Now, while telling this story you may feel as if you want to laugh, go ahead. I’m sure in about a month I will find this whole episode incredibly amusing.

Okay I woke up late, not really surprising seeing as though I stayed up ridiculously late yet again last night. After a few snoozes I eventually tossed the alarm across the room, but it wouldn’t stop the freaking thing from going off. I even tried the whole head under a pillow thing, but even that couldn’t stop that noise. So without any other choices I drug myself out of bed and stumbled to the puppy’s cage and then we made it outside without any major catastrophe, which is surprising considering that my puppy is a magnet for havoc.

Then I left the puppy to romp around while I took a shower. She made the mistake once of trying to follow me into the shower… she won’t make that mistake again. The look on her face when she realized that it was raining in just one spot of the room was too funny. She didn’t appreciate me laughing and pointing at her so she ate a roll of toilet paper and strung it across my whole place, but I digress. Anyway I was merrily singing badly in my shower while putting the shampoo in, when there was a knock on my door. You’d think I’d just let that go, but I can’t. I also have a hard time letting a phone ring unanswered. So I grabbed a towel, prayed the soap wouldn’t drift into my eyes, and went to answer the door. By the way, they really should make towels bigger, but that’s just me.

At the door was the woman that does the welcome wagon stuff for the neighborhood. She just wanted to give me a flyer for the spring potluck. You’d think that wouldn’t sound so bad, but I went to one of those things once and I found out that the average age of those attending was 65. If that wasn’t bad enough one man kept pinching my cheeks, and I don’t mean the ones on my face. So you can see how excited I was to be standing there at my door soapy and in a towel getting a flyer for one of these things.

Just as I was about to say goodbye to this woman, of course that’s after she went yammering on forever, the little havoc doggie ran through my legs and out the door. Crap. Now there’s a fairly busy street not too far away, and the puppy hasn’t learned that cars are bad yet. So of course I had to run after her. Now to her this was just a larger version of the “catch me if you can” game. To me it wasn’t that much fun, and I was muttering things to the doggie that the ASPCA wouldn’t be too fond of. She thought it was a hoot to have me trailing after her desperately clutching my towel in a pathetic attempt to avoid showing the whole neighborhood all my goodies. Just as I was close enough to grab her she would scamper off barking with her butt wiggling. Evil creature.

This went on for about a half hour with me promising treats I didn’t have while I had only one eye open. The other would probably never open again just for the fact that it had a ton of soap in it. And I was also now limping because I stepped on a piece of glass from a bottle. I was beginning to think I was going to have to go back to my place, get dressed, and maybe find a big net or something when I heard it. From behind me I hear a “whooo”. Now, I have begun to like hearing “whoo” from a friend that does it when she is happy, but this wasn’t that kind of "whoo". This was the kind that occurs behind you in traffic just before you start to curse and pray that you didn’t miss a payment of your car insurance. Yes, that’s right, it was a cop. Shit.

Thankfully after convincing the man that I wasn’t drunk, he decided to help me catch the puppy of doom. I don’t really blame him for thinking I might be drunk. I mean I only had the one eye open, I was wearing only a towel, I was limping, and at this point I was finding it difficult to speak without cursing. But the barking puppy having the time of her life tipped him off to what was really going on. Eventually we ended up catching her, and yes I even thought of taking my towel off and using it as something to toss over her to catch her, but with the cop there I didn’t think it would be wise. Anyway, he ended up herding her over to me where I could scoop her up.

So I thanked him and headed back to my place but he stopped me. Can you believe he wanted to give me a ticket? A freaking *ticket*! So now I have to go to court to explain to a judge why I was wandering around the streets of Tucson half nekkid. Oh for crying out loud! That pissed me off. Then I limped back to my place only to find out that guess what? That’s right, I locked myself out!! Fuck. Now I had to wander around looking for a hide-a-key that I didn’t quite remember where I hid it. That does me a lot of good.

So eventually I ended up back inside and the puppy wanted to play. Um… fat chance you little mongrel, you’re lucky I love you so much. That puppy is so not getting any treats tonight. Heck, she’s lucky I don’t put her little cute butt up on Ebay. That cute face of hers will save her every time. Man, I’m a sucker for a brown eyed girl.

“Some days you're the dog - some days you're the hydrant.” -- Unknown